i wonder what it would be like to accept the darkness in my life again. I think i had enough of my white skin. I guess i miss the chekyness of a strong pigment . I know it will stain me again as i am no exception to "it" and and i will need my left eye to wash it; but as usual, my heartbeat is faster than my thought. i will comfort myself with codes from now on and every sunday and monday i will imagine a feedback of pleasant untruths.

Dazz told me i came to England too late. I think we were in front of McDonalds...

i was not born with all the body parts i needed; nor were the ones i already had perfect. this is why i started collecting possible perfect parts for me. i bought them from wherever i could. the last thing i bought was my mouth. it caught my eye because it was wrapped very nicely. it was very cheap though...i am sorry for that.

My flat mates convinced me to go to the 90's party tonight. once i got there and heared the music i remembered some thoughts i used to have in highschool. i had this habit of hiding under my desk and write pages and pages of this future adventure of mine in the finnish wildness. i would of course have a blond partner during this expedition. while exploring this landscapes in my mind i could hear the type of music they played at the disco tonight. yet it wasn't me...i have dreamed for so long to have the chance to live in a place like in the videos i would see on tv but i just don't fit in....maybe my hair is too dark and it gets into my eyes; it stops me from admiting that all the feelings i have catharticly lived were all in my head.
People here seem to enjoy themselves. what i see now is somehow like that scene in movies when the main character is sensing that something is going to happen but everything goes in slow motion and the music is hiding in the background as if were afraid of what will follow.
i can only imagine that i am feeling a change more painfully than others. i see people and words changing shoes and meanings and kids learning to paint with numbers. i never got maths in highschool. i only like old clothes. they suit me better than digits.
I left the party after an hour; the strangest and yet the most typical thing for me happened. the cold winterish wind blew in my face. as i am someone who lives mostly in the past i took it as a sign. i remembered some other teenage dreams of mine. me wanting to be a scientist somewhere beyond the arctic circle. ..winter has a special music in my ears. only i can hear it (and probably someone who lives by a "generous palmstroke") it has a harsh and cold sound. it usually freezes people...only my smile freezes for me, so i can cry on the inside when memories of future snowstorms and dark conversations run though my mind.