When i came to England i brought a book of russian fairytales with me. I knew that, at some point i would need to go back in time and remember the age when i didn't need high heels to be happy. I have proved myself right this saturday when i took the book from the shelf and read 3 stories. I felt so happy to see that poeple do live happily ever after.
What i love most about my fairytale books are the simple drawings they contain. They look like caricatures but they tell a story of their own completing the meaning of the written words. I think i understand now why little children prefer drawings and cartoons to reading. Words tend to dictate their meaning and they keep you still. A drawing, however, tells the story you want it to tell. A few thin lines can say what a sentence can never make you dream.
But where have all the old drawings dissappeared? When i was little, the colours on the page would mix and become fluid and uncatchable. I would sink my eyes for a while and receive the long awaited nightmare for doing so. Now i have a high-tech printer. I was excitingly told that it can give me the perfect stills. It can, i almost think they are real. The pictures of these times don't move and they seem to cover a lot. They stop people from thinking and seeing.
We have created things that can give us everything; or they can give perfection. For the sake of my friends, i wish i were a caricature with one eye bigger than the other.

i wonder what it would be like to accept the darkness in my life again. I think i had enough of my white skin. I guess i miss the chekyness of a strong pigment . I know it will stain me again as i am no exception to "it" and and i will need my left eye to wash it; but as usual, my heartbeat is faster than my thought. i will comfort myself with codes from now on and every sunday and monday i will imagine a feedback of pleasant untruths.

Dazz told me i came to England too late. I think we were in front of McDonalds...

i was not born with all the body parts i needed; nor were the ones i already had perfect. this is why i started collecting possible perfect parts for me. i bought them from wherever i could. the last thing i bought was my mouth. it caught my eye because it was wrapped very nicely. it was very cheap though...i am sorry for that.

My flat mates convinced me to go to the 90's party tonight. once i got there and heared the music i remembered some thoughts i used to have in highschool. i had this habit of hiding under my desk and write pages and pages of this future adventure of mine in the finnish wildness. i would of course have a blond partner during this expedition. while exploring this landscapes in my mind i could hear the type of music they played at the disco tonight. yet it wasn't me...i have dreamed for so long to have the chance to live in a place like in the videos i would see on tv but i just don't fit in....maybe my hair is too dark and it gets into my eyes; it stops me from admiting that all the feelings i have catharticly lived were all in my head.
People here seem to enjoy themselves. what i see now is somehow like that scene in movies when the main character is sensing that something is going to happen but everything goes in slow motion and the music is hiding in the background as if were afraid of what will follow.
i can only imagine that i am feeling a change more painfully than others. i see people and words changing shoes and meanings and kids learning to paint with numbers. i never got maths in highschool. i only like old clothes. they suit me better than digits.
I left the party after an hour; the strangest and yet the most typical thing for me happened. the cold winterish wind blew in my face. as i am someone who lives mostly in the past i took it as a sign. i remembered some other teenage dreams of mine. me wanting to be a scientist somewhere beyond the arctic circle. ..winter has a special music in my ears. only i can hear it (and probably someone who lives by a "generous palmstroke") it has a harsh and cold sound. it usually freezes people...only my smile freezes for me, so i can cry on the inside when memories of future snowstorms and dark conversations run though my mind.

i used to have a secret smile that i would use for my secret virtually created friend. dark and bright at the same time...there was no middle color for him; that's why i loved our secret meetings in my little and suffocating eastern world. he could say "no" to me when everybody said "yes"...well, i guess i do enjoy a little pain every now and then.
i have lost him recently. i now live in his world, fast and polished and i wonder if i will ever belong here. i wished i lived in the real world again, where i can touch warm pale skin and read real books.
i suppose i am too strong to be happy. i only wished i told my heart sooner that the darkness one may truly love has to exist only in the virtual world.


i will start doing my homework now. if i want to be a princess and rule the world i need to be bright.
i will miss my darkness

today i am reading about feminism...its a great movement...a male collegue at university slammed the door in my face while getting out of the building the other day...he doesn't have to offend my intelligence anymore by holding the door for me...i feel equal...he is feeling even (?)

profi pics

my first professional picture...i am sure everyone will focus on my big heart here

Alina in London

this is a bum sleeping in the park :)
it looks like the university campus ;)

mi-am promis ca prima mea postare nu va fi o sfortare de profunzimi ca sa nu cad in pacatul tanarului intelectual roman, deprimat si cinic.
in mod surprinzator am ales numele de cat_eyes fiindca mi se spune prea des ca seman cu o pisica. pe langa asta, torc daca cineva imi ofera ciocolata.
am idei bune la fel de des pe cat am si idei stupide; nu stiu niciodata unde se pune virgula. din lipsa de activitate, voi posta cele mai chinuitoare simtzaminte iar cineva, din acelas motiv le va citi. iar daca gasiti texte in engleza, sa stiti ca sunt si pentru colegii mei englezi, nu din snobism.
bine m-ati gasit